8 September 2026
By Parr O’Dee
parr@TheCork.ie
Parody / Satire
Government Announces Ireland Is Switching to Communism After Capitalism Becomes “Unsustainable”
The Government has announced that Ireland is to begin the historic transition from capitalism to communism, following a lengthy review which concluded that capitalism cannot solve the housing crisis.
“We’ve tried capitalism,” said a fictional Government spokesperson.
“And to be fair, it worked extremely well for quite a while.”
“1998 to 2008 Was Absolutely Brilliant”
Government officials were keen to stress that capitalism had not been an outright failure.
“In fact, from approximately 1998 to 2008, things were going exceptionally well,” the spokesperson said.
“People were working, wages were rising, businesses were expanding, houses were being built and everyone seemed to have money.”
“People were buying cars, going on holidays and extending their houses.”
“Some people even had second houses.”
“Frankly, it was getting out of hand.”
The Government said the problem was that the system eventually became “unsustainable.”
The Problem Was That Everyone Wanted Everything
According to the Government’s review, capitalism created an unfortunate situation in which people began expecting to own things.
“Houses became expensive because everyone wanted one.”
“Cars became expensive because everyone wanted one.”
“Restaurants became expensive because people kept going to them.”
“People started asking for higher wages.”
“At that point we realised we had created a monster.”
BMW Dealerships Furious
The announcement has caused particular concern among BMW dealerships across Ireland.
Dealers fear that under the new communist system, nobody will voluntarily spend €60,000 or €70,000 on a new BMW.
“Under capitalism, people came in and bought cars,” said one fictional dealer.
“Under communism, apparently the Government decides what car you need.”
A second dealer added:
“We’ve got 14 3 Series sitting outside. Apparently they’re now considered a symbol of excessive individualism.”
New Economic Model
Under the proposed system, the Government says everyone will receive a fair share of nothing.
Officials confirmed that citizens will still be allowed to work.
However, there will apparently be significantly less incentive to earn more.
“Why would I work overtime?” asked one confused worker.
The Government spokesperson replied:
“Exactly. You’re beginning to understand.”
Ireland Looks Back Fondly
Despite the dramatic change, Government officials said they have no regrets about Ireland’s capitalist period.
“1998 to 2008 was fantastic,” the spokesperson said.
“Unfortunately, it wasn’t sustainable.”
“So we’ve decided to replace a system that produced too much growth with one that produces considerably less. Growth is bad, it releases too much carbon”
“Having nothing is much easier to manage.”
The Government is expected to unveil the new national economic slogan later this month:
“From Celtic Tiger to Comrade Tiger.”