8 February 2026
By Parr O’Dee
news@TheCork.ie
Satirical news / parody
Authorities have confirmed that “nothing can be done” following yet another report of a car being broken into in a housing estate, describing the incident as “very unfortunate” and “extremely common.”
The break-in, which occurred sometime last Tuesday morning at 5.30am involved a car being unlocked, rummaged through, and left with the glove box open as a courtesy reminder that it had been violated.
Items stolen included loose change, a phone charger, and the owner’s last remaining belief in elements of the criminal justice system.
“Monitoring the Situation”
An official spokesperson said officers are aware of the issue and are “monitoring the situation closely from a distance.”
“These things happen,” they said. “Especially to cars. In estates.”
When asked if CCTV footage would be reviewed, the spokesperson confirmed that authorities would “certainly take a look at it” once it had been watched several times by neighbours, uploaded to WhatsApp groups, and enhanced by someone’s cousin who “does a bit of IT.”
Victims Advised to Take Precautions
Residents have been reminded to take sensible steps to prevent future break-ins by not owning a car at all, or by having a marque of vehicle less desirable (to criminals) such as a Dacia.
Repeat Offenders “Well Known”
Locals say the same individuals are responsible for most incidents, describing them as “well known,” “often seen,” and “never unavailable.”
Authorities confirmed they are familiar with those involved but stressed that familiarity should not be confused with consequences.
“We know them well,” the spokesperson said. “First names, nicknames, shoe sizes — the whole lot.”
Community Left Reassured
Despite the frustration, authorities reassured residents that the situation is under control.
“There’s no cause for alarm,” they said. “Unless you have a car”
Residents are encouraged to report any suspicious behaviour, preferably online, where it will be logged, acknowledged, and gently absorbed into the system.