6 February 2026
By Parr O’Dee
news@TheCork.ie
Satirical news / parody
A groundbreaking new study conducted by leading experts located “in the other room” has confirmed that 87% of loud crashing noises are absolutely nothing and not worth getting up for at all.
The research, carried out by people who “definitely heard something but aren’t bothered checking,” concludes that most sudden bangs, thuds, and suspicious clatters can be safely ignored until morning.
Study Methodology
Experts developed a rigorous scientific process:
- Hear noise
- Pause Netflix
- Say “What was that”
- Wait 3 seconds
- Decide it’s grand
The remaining 13% of noises were classified as:
- The cat
- The wind
- Something that fell earlier but only hit the ground now
- A problem for Future You
Public Reaction
Households nationwide have welcomed the findings.
“I used to get up and check,” said one Cork resident. “Now I just shout ‘It’s nothing!’ into the darkness and roll over. Science has freed me.”
Experts Issue Warning
Despite the reassuring results, researchers caution that the study does not apply to:
- Noises accompanied by swearing
- Noises followed by “Ah for feck’s sake”
- Noises that sound like the bin being knocked over by a rogue wheelie
Further Research Planned
Scientists in the other room are now investigating whether:
- The dishwasher always sounded like that
- The house is making “normal settling noises” or “haunted settling noises”
- The mysterious bang was actually the immersion exploding