10 February 2026
By Parr O’Dee
news@TheCork.ie

Satirical news / parody

There was widespread relief this week as new housing figures confirmed that buying a home remains firmly out of reach for many, proving that the market is strong, vibrant, and working exactly as intended.

Experts hailed the continued rise in house prices as a clear sign of confidence, optimism, and a deep national belief that property should be stressful.

Estate Agents Delighted

Estate agents described current conditions as “ideal” for buyers.

“It’s a brilliant time to get on the ladder,” one agent said. “Yes, prices are high, but that just means the house is worth more.”

Another agent praised the competitive atmosphere.

“Bidding wars are great for buyers,” they explained. “They really confirm you made the right choice, because it would be worrying if no one else was bidding, right?.”

Multi-Generational Mortgages Bring Families Together

Banks welcomed growing interest in multi-generational mortgages, calling them a “wholesome development” that strengthens family bonds.

“It’s lovely to see three generations involved in one purchase,” a banking spokesperson said. “Grandparents help with the deposit, parents pay the mortgage, and the children take over later. It’s like a relay race, but with debt.”

Financial institutions confirmed they are exploring longer-term options, including 70- and 90-year mortgages, to give families “real breathing room.”

New Housing Model Celebrated

Government sources stressed that this is all positive news and part of a modern approach to housing, sometimes affectionately described as a new form of communism where you will own nothing and be happy.

“Ownership is overrated,” one official said. “Happiness comes from access, flexibility, and knowing your rent is helping someone else’s pension.”

Citizens are encouraged to embrace renting as a lifestyle choice rather than something they were forced into by maths.

Dream Thriving

Despite outdated notions about affordability, the dream of home ownership is alive and evolving.

“You can absolutely buy a home,” an estate agent confirmed. “You just might not live in it. Or finish paying for it. But the dream itself? Strong as ever.”

At time of publication, several first-time buyers were reported to be “cautiously optimistic” after being approved in principle for half a kitchen.