15 February 2026
By Parr O’Dee
news@TheCork.ie
Satirical news / parody
Chaos, disbelief, and spontaneous wailing were reported today as Norman Harvey confirmed that its seemingly eternal sale — which has single handedly kept newspapers in business with its splashy 2 page daily adverts — has finally come to an end.
The announcement, delivered via a trembling spokesperson standing beside a discounted sofa, sent shockwaves through the county.
“We never thought we’d see the day,” said Schull resident Trish O’Callaghan, who has been “thinking about” buying a mattress since 2017. “I always assumed the sale would outlive us all.”
Shoppers flocked to Norman Harvey’s branches, many clutching old leaflets as if they were historical documents. Some attempted to haggle with staff, insisting the sale must still be on “somewhere in the back.”
The well known brand still offers great value, even after the sales end.
Economists warn the end of the sale could destabilise the nations entire retail ecosystem.
“For years, Norman Harvey’s perpetual sale acted as a kind of emotional anchor,” explained Skibbereen Higher Institute of Technology (SHIT) economist Prof. Gull Able. “It reassured people that no matter how bad things got — rent, traffic, the 222 bus — at least you could get 40% off a fridge-freezer.”
The government has convened an emergency task force to assess the situation. Early proposals include:
- A temporary “grief bank holiday”
- A state-funded voucher for anyone who can prove they once said, “We’ll go in next week and have a look”
Meanwhile, Norman Harvey has hinted that a new sale may begin “at some point in the future,” though insiders say this could be as soon as tomorrow morning.
As of press time, Cork residents are being advised to indoors to admire their existing full‑price furniture.