9 February 2026
By Parr O’Dee
news@TheCork.ie

Satirical news / parody

Cork’s ongoing battle with precipitation reached a new level of absurdity today as the the Dept of Transport announced that, due to unprecedented saturation, all major roads must now be “brought indoors each evening for drying.”

According to the Dept,  the county’s roads have absorbed so much rain that they are now “structurally more sponge than surface,” with some stretches reportedly squelching when stepped on. One official described the N40 as “basically a wet towel with traffic cones.”

A New Evening Routine for Cork

Under the new protocol, workers will begin lifting the roads at approximately 7 p.m., rolling them up like yoga mats, and carrying them into designated drying facilities. The Dept stressed that this is “not ideal, but neither is aquaplaning on what is essentially a sodden bathmat.”

Motorists are advised to plan ahead, as all major routes will be unavailable overnight while they hang from giant industrial clotheslines.

Overtime

As the works will take place from 7am until 7 am unions have negotiated a double time rate, which was later increased to triple time because “the workers would have difficulty getting home afterwards, as there would be no roads”.

Locals React

Residents across Cork expressed mixed feelings.

• “I knew it was wet,” said one Douglas commuter, “but I didn’t think we’d reach the point where the road squishes like a wet J-cloth.”
• A Ballyphehane resident said “This explains where the pot holes come from, it happens when the road is put down the next morning, and a piece has fallen off”

Meanwhile, a group in Kinsale has begun lobbying for heated roads, arguing that “if the county can afford Christmas lights, it can afford a giant hairdryer.”

Engineers Issue Warning

Civil engineers have cautioned that if rainfall continues at its current pace, Cork may soon need to rotate its roads like damp laundry to prevent mildew.

One expert noted that the South Ring Road is “holding moisture like a sponge cake left out in the rain,” adding that if conditions worsen, the RSA may have to “wring out the Jack Lynch Tunnel like a flannel.”

The warehouse within which the roads are dried each evening, is located off the N40 South Ring Road. It’s one of the wettest roads, based on the fact it has daily accidents

Looking Ahead

The Dept hopes the nightly drying routine will restore Cork’s roads to a state where they can once again be described as “solid-ish.” Until then, motorists are encouraged to drive slowly, avoid splashing pedestrians, and refrain from squeezing the road surface to check how much water comes out.