16 February 2026
By Parr O’Dee
news@TheCork.ie

Satirical news / parody

Information released under a freedom of information request has revealed that major government department has spent entire yearly budget on single consultant’s report—one that ultimately concludes the department should “undertake a comprehensive review facilitated by external expertise,” which insiders say is consultant‑speak for “call us again.”

The report, costing €4.7 million, arrived in a leather‑bound folder thick enough to qualify as infrastructure. It includes:

• Liberal usage of the terms: net zero, building capabilities, sustainable futures, inclusivity, and synergy
• 180 pages of “strategic visioning frameworks”
• 63 pages of arrows pointing at other arrows
• A glossary defining terms like “stakeholder synergy” and “holistic optimisation”
• A single recommendation: commission Phase 2

A department spokesperson praised the document as “transformational,” though admitted they hadn’t read it because “the executive summary alone is 47 pages and begins with a poem about innovation.”

What the Consultants Delivered

The report outlines several key findings:

• The department faces “complex challenges requiring multi‑layered solutions,” meaning they don’t know either
• Public services are “operationally constrained,” meaning they’re broke
• Staff morale is “variable,” meaning low
• The best path forward is “further diagnostic exploration,” meaning another invoice

It also includes a full‑colour map of Ireland with no labels, which the consultants describe as “a metaphor for possibility.”

Department Defends the Spending

Officials insist the expenditure on the McWhinsey & Co. report represents “excellent value,” highlighting that:

• The report uses the word “innovation” 89 times
• It includes a pie chart with no labels, “to encourage interpretation”
• It was delivered two days early, “which is rare in the consultancy arts”

When asked how the department plans to operate for the rest of the year with no remaining budget, the spokesperson said they were “exploring creative fiscal pathways,” widely understood to mean “hoping for a supplementary budget.”

What Happens Next

The consultancy has already been invited to prepare a follow‑up report titled “Why the First Report Was Not Enough.” Early cost estimates range from “significant” to “don’t ask.”