22 February 2026
By Parr O’Dee
news@TheCork.ie

Satirical news / parody

In a move described as “streamlining the circular economy while also confusing everyone,” the Government has confirmed a bold reform of the Deposit Return Scheme.

Under the new “Hand-to-Truck” model, citizens will no longer use have to use the slow reverse vending machines at supermarkets. Instead, they are encouraged to stand at the end of their driveways at approximately 6:00am and personally feed eligible bottles and cans into the passing refuse truck. To miminse change, the binmen will randomly reject certain bottles.

A spokesperson for Re-turn said the change “brings recycling back to basics.”

“People are already paying for refuse collection, so it makes sense for householders to give their bottles and cans directly to their for-profit refuse collection firm”

he continued

“Most of the reverse vending machines required people to stand in the atlantic drizzle ina sa supermarket carpark, so standing in the drizzle outside your own home is an improvement. This is proof we have been listening”

The Department of the Environment, Climate and Communications insists the reform will reduce congestion around supermarket machines and “restore community spirit through mild sleep deprivation.”

The Supermarket Operators Association of Ireland welcomed that change stating “Our members tire of the smell of stale beer and the stickiness of cola staining our footpath”

How It Works:

• Residents set alarm for 5:47am.

• Dress in whatever is nearest.

• Twitch curtains just before hearing loud diesel engine and seeing flash of amber lights.

• Sprint toward the truck shouting, “These are 15 cent each!”

Refunds will be issued via a nod of acknowledgement from the driver, redeemable emotionally.

Early adopters report mixed results.

“I missed him on Tuesday,” said one suburban homeowner. “I was brushing my teeth. That was €1.20 gone. I’ve never forgiven myself.”

Bin operators have been provided with a short training module titled ‘Advanced Bottle Reception & Gentle Boundary Setting’. However, insiders admit the course does not cover situations involving residents attempting to climb partially into the truck “to ensure proper scanning.”

Critics argue the new system may create competitive driveway positioning, with rumours already circulating of neighbours setting up folding chairs and flasks the night before collection day.