Widespread frustration is sweeping the country as Irish news websites continue publishing deliberately vague headlines like “Local Community in Shock After Incident” and “Popular Shop Closing Down” without specifying which community or which shop, plunging readers into a national epidemic of involuntary clicking.

The practice — known by experts as Geographical Ambiguity Syndrome — has become so common that many Irish people now experience a spike in heart rate every time they see the words local, major, or incident.

Cork Readers Particularly Vulnerable

Corkonians, already traumatised by years of headlines about Dunkettle delays, are reportedly the most susceptible.

“I saw ‘Major Road Closed Immediately’ and nearly collapsed,” said one Douglas commuter. “Clicked in expecting the South Link to be gone. Turned out it was a boreen in Roscommon. I aged a decade.”

Another reader described the emotional rollercoaster: “You open the article praying it’s not your town. Then you find out it’s Mayo and feel relief, followed by guilt, followed by relief again. It’s exhausting.”

Publishers Defend the Practice

News editors insist the tactic is essential for survival.

“If we put the town in the headline, Cork people won’t click on stories about Monaghan,” said one editor, speaking anonymously from behind a paywall. “And we need Cork clicks. They’re powerful. They’re passionate. They panic easily.”

He added that vague headlines are “a proud Irish tradition,” dating back to the ancient scrolls of ‘Man Seen Acting Suspiciously Near River’.

Readers Demand Reform

A grassroots movement, Name the Town, You Cowards, has already gathered tens of thousands of signatures. Their demands include:

• Mandatory town names in all headlines
• A ban on the phrase “local man” unless accompanied by a parish
• A requirement to specify which SuperValu car park an incident occurred in
• A national database of “the lad involved”

The group’s spokesperson said: “We’re not asking for much. Just basic geographical transparency so we can panic efficiently.”

Government Considers Legislation

The Department of Communications is reportedly drafting a bill titled the Headline Specificity Act, which would require all news outlets to include:

• The town
• The road
• The nearest roundabout
• And, where applicable, the name of the pub the story originated in

Opponents argue this would “destroy the suspense” and “rob the nation of its favourite morning adrenaline rush.”

Nation Remains on Edge

Until reforms are introduced, Irish readers remain trapped in a perpetual cycle of fear and curiosity.

As one weary citizen put it: “I don’t want to click. I don’t mean to click. But when I see ‘Popular Local Business Closing Down,’ I have to know if it’s the chipper.”