11 February 2026
By Parr O’Dee
news@TheCork.ie

Satirical news / parody

Officials promise “the vibe of a shopping centre, but with more expensive parking spaces” (should that be “extensive”)

In a move described as “visionary,” “ambitious,” and “a bit like putting clingfilm over a puddle,” a businessman who is a large scale owner of unoccupied commercial premises has announced plans to cover an entire city street with a giant transparent roof in an effort to finally, definitively, once‑and‑for‑all stop the rain from ruining everyone’s day.

It’s understood the pilot project will take place on either North Main Street, or Mac Curtain Street.

Artist’s impression of what the street may look like if colourful umbrellas interspersed with a space age perspex were to be used to shield the street from rain

A Shopping Centre, But Outdoors, But Indoors, But Outdoors Again

Sources close to the businessman said:

“Think Wilton, but with wind.”

Architectural drawings show a massive curved canopy stretching the length of the street, complete with optional side panels “for when the rain comes at you sideways, which is 11 months of the year.”

Local Reaction: Confused but Hopeful

Shoppers expressed cautious optimism.

• One Cork mammy said she was delighted at the idea of “finally being able to walk from the North Gate Bridge (almost) to Paradise Place (almost).”
• A group of teenagers complained the roof might interfere with their ability to loiter in doorways, but agreed it would be “class for vaping.”
• A bus driver commented “Sorry, I’m busy driving the bus, I cannot comment right now”

Business Owners Thrilled at Prospect of Dry Customers

Local retailers welcomed the plan, noting that Cork consumers traditionally operate on a “three‑raindrop rule” — if more than three drops hit them, they immediately abandon all shopping plans, because for some unknown reason Irish people wear coats that have no hoods, or are not actually waterproof.

Environmental Concerns

Critics warn the structure could disrupt Cork’s delicate ecosystem, which relies on a constant drizzle to maintain its signature sheen.

A spokesperson for Met Éireann issued a statement reading simply:

“Good luck”.